Any good jokes?

admin · Any good jokes?

We all need a laugh! In the hope that contributions will be kept within the bounds of decency and reasonable comment this forum welcomes good jokes or stories from readers. Although the first is a rather British one reflecting some views of this week's elections perhaps our overseas readers can change the names while retaining the sentiment.

A young Scot named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the farmer drove up he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the donkey is on my truck, but unfortunately he's dead."

Gordon replied, "Well then, just give me my money back.". The farmer said, "I can't do that, because I've already spent it"

Gordon said, "OK then, well just unload the donkey anyway." The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?"

Gordon answered, "I'm going to raffle him off." To which the farmer exclaimed, "Surely you can't raffle off a dead donkey!" But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said,

"Of course I can, you watch me. I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead." A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Gordon said, "I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece, and made a huge, fat profit!!"

Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?" To which Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize. So I gave him his £2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as you know is double the going rate for a donkey, so he thought I was a great guy!!"

Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the money he had stolen from them, most of them still thought he was a great guy.

The moral of this story is that, if you think Gordon is about to play fair and do something for the people of this country for once in his miserable, lying life, think again my friend, because you'll be better off flogging a dead donkey.

admin

One of Scotland’s most famous poets was one William Topaz McGonagall

http://www.mcgonagall-online.org.uk/

His work kindly described as ‘discordant muse’ does however resonate with people. While the following poem (sent to me by a reader - source unknown) could be described as ‘discordant’ and is clearly in the McGonagall tradition the message is clear and mirrors the fears of many Scots voters.

A poem – my “blessing” – for all our establishment MSPs (and politicians generally) on the day of your comical and farcical swearing in ceremony.

[i]‘When in St Giles Cathedral our privileged MSPs (minus the SSP – good on them) did surely wish, hope and pray
For honesty, integrity and transparency as they serve us, the ordinary people, every single day.

The minister declared in his sermon before the establishment last night:
“No more sleaze, spin or lies?! Aye, and that will be shining bright! …

So, here we go again with the same old, same old, same old body politic.
Jack and Jill’s (Jim’s) cosy coalition Scottish Executive really does make one feel sick …

Little wonder over 50% of the electorate stayed away from the May 1st polls
When our MSPs and Councillors (politicians generally) are so damn arrogant, contemptuous, self-absorbed, self-seeking, unaccountable and grandiose …

It really was very much a case of: What do you do when democracy, and your so-called elected representative, fails you?
Stay at home in protest, disengage and turn off from all the spin, lies and humdrum, ho-hum, yawn yawn, yah-boo yah-boo …

Another 4 years of you Parcel o’ Rogues in your Palatial (£440m) Pretendy wee Parliament at the Hamlet that is Holyrood yet again?!
Not for me, thank God!…
I’m off to the Church of England … God help Scotland’s ordinary people … Good night … Goodbye … Up Yours … Amen!”

A truly sickened, disillusioned and cynical voter.

admin

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

freethekillie2

SOME FUN, PLEASE FOLLOW!

17. SALVATION

A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years.
One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.
Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!"

Big Wullie

Lil' Johnny on Politics

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says "well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to help take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny , well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers very soiled. So the little boys goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound alseep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are"

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

freethekillie2

THATS A CLASSIC.

freethekillie2

Ten Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Iain McKie

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Big Wullie · Strange but true

Iain's remark about Tonto has reminded me of this joke.

A man on a long haul flight noticed the beautiful young woman sitting next to him reading a book entitled,
"Starnge but true sexual facts" "Interesting" he asks,
yes she replies for instance, did you know that,
The American Red Indian has the longest penis in the world,
and a Scotsman has the thickest,
Oh i'm sorry she says, my name's Helen & yours is:

Tonto Mctavish he retorts.

Big Wullie

A Professor was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ar$e hole is doing while you're having an orga$m?'

She replied, 'Probably fishing & drinking beer with his mates.'

The professor laughed so much he could not continue with the lecture.

kevin donald

the modern Police force.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUE5KM5U89k

scotkaz

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said,"It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

scotkaz

BEST COMEBACK RESPONSE OF THE YEAR

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene..'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer.. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'

Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

Any good jokes?

Strange but true